Mind Reader

This week I've come across a few posts and situations where I've begun to wonder if all subs think that Doms are mind readers. Do they really think that just because a Dom prefers to be in control of a given situation that they can reach into the recesses of a subs mind and know what it is that's bothering them? The funny thing is that I've heard men say this of women for years, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter the gender.

Let me give you some examples of what I've seen/encountered this past week. First a female sub who is upset because her Dom wasn't able to spend their scheduled time together because she has been having a bad month and needed him and their time. A male sub who gets upset when his Domme instructed him to stretch out his arm before starting work because it was hurting, but he had already done so without her knowledge. And the most jaw dropping one I read this week was from a sub who was questioning whether or not her Dom has raped her because he had had sex with her after a punishment and she wasn't into it nor did she want it, but she never used her safe word. From what I gathered from the post, she didn't even attempt to stop him in anyway.


In all three of these examples I am left with the perplexing question of why these three subs did not open their mouths and communicate with their Doms. Good Dom/mes want to know what's going through their subs heads. It helps them to not only understand, but also plan for other situations they both may encounter that this new information could effect. It may be as simple as staying in for the night rather than going out into a crowd or just the need for a long conversation so that everyone is on the same page with expectations. The worst thing a sub can do is not talk to their Dom about things that are bothering them. That means that even if they are in the middle of the scene and something isn't right, they use their safe words so that it can be addressed.

I'm not saying that Doms are always the best communicators because I've met a few that were horrible at it. But I will say that those Doms who truly do try to be good Doms at least make the attempt.

Have you had any experience in this, from either side? Have you seen it happen?

The Playroom - Saint Andrew's Cross

Crack!

THE ART OF THE ST. ANDREW’S CROSS

Cassandre Dayne

     I’m an erotic romance author and have done copious amount of research for my books because I write a lot about BDSM. I’m not going to try and tell you I’m an expert but in my research I’ve spent time with several true Dom’s and Masters discussing the lifestyle and they’ve allowed me into their worlds in eye opening ways.

     Many people enjoy a bit of kink and while couples of all types may indulge in a little vanilla spanking, purchasing and using sex toys and even shackling your partner every once in awhile, few people truly engage in the art of BDSM. Or do they? The practice is more widespread than you think however. Domination and submission has been around for centuries and with the explosion of the internet you can find almost anything and anybody you’re looking for. I caution anyone who may be thinking about doing this and don’t have a partner, be careful. Many say they know what they’re doing and they don’t. Remember that trust is the number one aspect of engaging in any sexual games. If you and your partner are curious of course you can learn and read and there are also Masters who will provide training for you as a couple.

     One of the aspects of BDSM is restraining and disciplining subs. What many people don’t understand is that whipping, caning, flogging and spanking are not simply used in methods of punishment. For those who engage in the lifestyle subs often crave being flogged and even some enter what is known as subspace. Don’t get me wrong, in talking with several Dom’s they do punish but typically certain methodologies are reserved for playtime or as the Dom I speak with most – the time for “using” his sub.

     That’s where spanking benches and other apparatuses come into play and one of the favored pieces is the St. Andrew’s Cross or more popularly know as the “X” Cross because of it’s simple design. Whether in polished wood or steel the oversized piece is in the shape of an “x”. Subs are restrained at their wrists and ankles in various ways from leather straps to chains and are whipped with various selected tools.

 

     That sounds simple enough, doesn’t it? But in truth the playtime does or needs to go further. Meaning – you really need to have someone who knows what they’re doing before they pick up a whip and start beating their sub. That’s not what this is about. Don’t get me wrong, there are true sadists out there who enjoy nothing more than flogging or beating a sub with zero regard to their welfare or their enjoyment. Sadists get their pleasure from giving pain. That’s it. They don’t care if they harm you at all.

     As my Dom has said – if I would consider moving into the lifestyle or even for measured playtime he would hurt me but not harm me. His pleasure would be seeing me getting pleasure from the whipping and of course other aspects of playing. That’s not to say that there won’t be welts and bruising. Depending on your skin and how the implement is handled – of course the sub is going to have marks. That’s part also of what this is about. But if the Dom or Domme knows what they’re doing they can tell almost instantly when it’s time to stop. It’s been said that as some subs enter the heightened state of pleasure they beg for more. This is what is known as subspace – the moment of pure ecstasy where the dichotomy of pain and pleasure is at its pinnacle.

     For the cross itself there are things to look for when considering purchasing. First of all there are companies that specialize in the design and built and many places offer custom designs. There are those who practice the art who build them but I caution those who don’t know the building industry etc as many of the crosses have been known to topple over. Some of these are free standing while others are attached to walls. I’ve even seen some that if vanilla style friends would come over would not be noticed at all – almost like a dazzling piece of art on the wall.

 

     The shackles can be custom made or purchased through many online sites. Now the cross isn’t just used for whipping either. Imagine the possibilities of using toys on your sub. Mmmm…  For those of you who might be considering moving into the realm of BDSM I will always tell you to do your homework thoroughly. If you either allow yourself to get into a situation with someone you don’t know or if you try something with your partner you haven’t researched and its not what you expect, you probably won’t try this again. But for those of you who do enjoy, it’s a lifetime experience.

    

Kisses   xxx

Cassandre

WHERE TO FIND ME

http://www.cassandredayne.com

http://cassandredayne.wordpress.com/

Email:  cassandre@cassandredayne.com

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Research

I received this question from Ena via formspring...

I was wondering if you would post some of your research on  your blog. I know you did a lot of research for the series and how much would you say had to be 'trimmed off' because there was too much--or the opposite, expanded.

This is an excellent question, Ena. Thank you. :)

When I first started doing research for this story, I was somewhat frustrated. I would type in BDSM and most of what would come up were porn sites. It wasn't exactly what I was looking for.

Finally I stumbled onto a few websites and blogs of submissives/slaves, which helped a great deal. One of them was about collars and their meanings.  That site is where I got the idea of a collar of protection for Brianna. I was going to post the link here, but apparently the website is no longer active.

At the beginning, I really just tried to think back to some of the other BDSM stories I'd read while taking in the personalities of my two characters. I was also reading a story written by a switch in Germany, so I sent her a few e-mails asking questions regarding the lifestyle in general. She was very helpful in getting the wheels turning in my head and pointing me in the right direction.

It wasn't until I befriended a slave on-line, however, that my access to knowledge began to expand. My friend, pointed me to a great informational website.

http://www.seekers.org.uk/home.htm

I found this website extremely helpful. It breaks the lifestyle down for those who are interested in knowing the basics of submission, Dominance, play, clubs, etc.

As I continued writing, I also met more of those who live the lifestyle and was able to get some real life answers to my questions. I can't tell you how many hours I've spent picking the brains of both Dominants and submissives. There is one chapter that will be in the second book of this series that I spent eight hours hashing out with my friend's Master to get the correct level of realism and what I wanted. We finally called it 'done' at three o'clock in the morning.

I would have to say that I've done more expanding than trimming off, but both have occurred at one point and time; it's just a natural part of the editing process. For example with the chapter I was referencing above, I cut about 1,000 words from that chapter, however, I add almost that much in its place. In Slave, I've definitely done more adding than trimming. In fact, the entire third chapter is new material. I've also added some content throughout for various reasons.

To say that my research for this series is completely would be a total lie. I learn more about D/s every day through my research, through talking to those in the lifestyle, and just through casual observations. It has been a rewarding experience for me where I've met some wonderful friends and gotten to know more about myself as well as my relationship with others in the process.