The Art of Negotiation

Over the last few months, I've seen a lot of discussion on negotiation in BDSM relationships. This process seems to be fascinating to some, like it's a new concept, but isn't this what happens in any relationship? Or maybe I should say, isn't this what should happen in any relationship?

Whenever I research a topic, I like to go back to the basics. So what does negotiation mean exactly? According to the dictionary, negotiation is: mutual discussion and arrangement of the terms of a transaction or agreement.

Seems pretty simple, right? Both parties talk and find common ground.

In vanilla (non BDSM) relationships, this process is often lumped in the 'getting to know you' category. But should it be?

Negotiation is one concept where I feel those that practice BDSM tend to get it right more than those in more conventional relationships. Because of the exaggerated dynamics that can usually be found in BDSM relationships, expectations are clearly laid out and discussed in most cases. What does each party want out of the relationship? Do they desire something long term or short term? What are eaches hard limits (things they are not willing to do). What do they want to try, experience?

In vanilla relationships this can be anything from getting married to children to career goals for each partner. These same things are often on the negotiating table of a BDSM relationship as well, but it goes a step farther than that. Not many vanilla couples I know talk about their expectations of each other in the bedroom. Many times, sex is allowed to develop 'naturally'. The problem with this, however, is that the partners can't read each other's minds.

So what does negotiation mean in a relationship, BDSM or otherwise? It can actually mean a great many things. There are some couples out there that write everything down. In BDSM, this is known as a contract. Others take a less clinical approach and discuss things on a regular bases with open communication. If one partner is interested in trying something new, they bring it up to the other partner, maybe do some research, and then decide as a couple if it's something they want to persue.

How about you? How do you and your partner address new facets to your relationship? Do you have a specific time and place for discussion? Do you have a contract that lays everything out?

Need Update And...

All of you have been chomping at the bit for Need's release on July 26th. I am too!

I am so excited for the release of the second book in my Finding Anna series. It was wonderful going back and spending time again with Stephan and Brianna.

Currently, I am working on the edits for Need. We are over halfway through the process, and so far everything is going smoothly. After reading Need, one of my editors commented that although she'd really liked Stephan in Slave, she fell in love with him in Need. Hopefully you all will feel the same way.

My publisher, The Writer's Coffee Shop Publishing House, will be releasing their summer catalogue later this week, which will list Need: Finding Anna Book 2 as an upcoming title. Before that information is released to the general public, I wanted to share the cover and summary for my upcoming book with my readers. Thank you all for your support, and here is a little treat for you. :)

As Brianna comes to terms with the realization that she is no longer a slave, she must figure out what she wants for her life. Forgetting her past isn’t an option. It is an integral part of who she is now, and it will forever shape her view of life. The one thing she knows is that she cannot imagine her life without the man who saved her, but can she be what he needs?

Stephan never imagined falling in love with the woman he rescued, but the thought of her no longer being part of his life is physically painful. The scars from her past continue to haunt her, and he is helpless to stop them. All he can do is try to help her work through the traumas of her past. Can he be everything she needs and help her move on?

The two must figure out how to navigate not only their relationship with each other, but also the outside world. A friend from Brianna’s past shows up where she least expects them, and Uncle Richard continues to enforce his well-meaning agenda to get Brianna more traditional help. As forces, both friend and foe, threaten to tear them apart, Stephan and Brianna have to navigate the turbulent waters and find what they need in each other.  

Book Signing - April 7th

I will be at Lovejoy's Market on April 7, 2012 between 11am and 2pm. If you are in central Ohio, stop by and see me. I'll have copies of all three of my books with me to sell and sign.

900 Village Boulevard

Plain City, OH 43064

Teaser

I was tagged over on Facebook by a fellow author to provide a little teaser of my current WIP. Since Red Zone isn't at the requested page 77, I'm giving you a little taste of Need. This is unedited, but I'm thinking you probably won't mind. ;)

~

I only made it as far as the living room before his arms came around my waist halting my progress. But what had been a surge of energy only a moment ago, died in my limbs, and the tears once again began to flow as I went limp.

Stephan bent down, scooping me up into his arms. He carried me over to the couch, but kept me on his lap all the while whispering calming words in my ear.

Eventually, the tears ebbed and I stiffened. “Please,” I begged.

His thumbs rubbed the tears from my cheeks and then held there.

Need - Official Release Date

I know a lot of you have been waiting with baited breath for the next installment of Stephan and Brianna's story. We are currently in the middle of edits. Everything is going well, so I was given the okay to officially announce the release date for Need: Finding Anna Book 2.

Need will be available to download through my publisher The Writer's Coffee Shop Publishing House starting July 26, 2012. They usually open up pre-orders for paperbacks about a month in advance. I will post here when pre-orders are available.

To get the latest information on my books, signings, and appearances, like me on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Sherri-Hayes/122511444477280 or follow me on Twitter @Sherri_Hayes.

Planner or Fly By The Seat Of Your Pants

We are nearly half way through the month of March and it is as crazy as I knew it would be. At the beginning of last month, I received my deadline schedule from my publisher from now until the end of 2013. I know that sounds like a long way from now, but in the publishing world it isn't. The big publishers want anywhere a competed manuscript anywhere from one to two years before it gets into the hands of the readers.

 

Part of that writing schedule is getting the first three chapters of book 3 in my Finding Anna series written by the end of this month. The book isn't due out until summer 2013, and we haven't even finished editing Need yet, but I'm having to think ahead and figure out where these two go next.

This, of course, brings me to the title of my blog post today. I, am not a planner when it comes to my writing. I know some authors are and that's great. It just doesn't work for me. When I write an outline, I find I follow it for two chapters at most and then one or more of my characters throw me a curve ball I wasn't expecting.

You might be asking yourself right about now, how does she know there are going to be four books in this series if she doesn't outline? I guess I should qualify and say I don't use a written outline. My outlines take form in my head and they stay there. I know what a book will cover in the general sense, but rarely is it specific.

Because of this, and my deadline being moved forward by about six months, I've been spending some time this week pondering the beginning of book 3. Three chapters is a lot more ground to cover than it sounds. And when starting a new book, even a book that will be the third in a series, it has to be compelling and make the reader want to continue reading.

After several hours of pondering, I think I've finally found my opening for the book. Where it goes from there... I'm leaving that up to my characters.

So if you're an author, are you a planner or do you like to fly by the seat of your pants and see where your characters take you?

BDSM = Violence Against Women?

I've been debating whether or not to speak out about this since it will just give more publicity to those who were trying to sensationalize to get ratings, but given that I write BDSM I felt I needed to voice my outrage on the subject. For those of you who don't know, the books Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed written by E.L. James were highlighted in a segment on the Today Show Friday morning. Since Ms. James is also an author with TWCS, I tuned in. If you haven't seen the segment, click here.


The first part of the piece wasn't bad. It talked a little about the books, the author, and featured a Florida book club talking about how the books had swept them away. It centered around the graphic sex in the books, which is fairly well known considering they are listed as erotica. They also had a sex therapist, Laura Berman, to talk about how she wasn't surprised by the success of the book and that Dominance and submission fantasies are among the most popular.


What upset me, along with many others who write and/or live the BDSM lifestyle was what came next. The host was joined by Dr. Drew Pinske and Dr. Logan Levkoff. It should have been a tip off when the host began the conversation by saying, "it's explicit, graphic and parts of it are disturbing." What was disturbing about it you ask? Apparently the BDSM.


Dr. Levkoff, a sexologist and certified sexuality educator, quickly jumped in and said how she didn't view the books as disturbing at all. "i think it taps into a fantasy women have in terms of role playing, getting out of their comfort zone."


Of course there had to be a counter point to Dr. Levkoff's view and that came from Dr. Drew who said, "as laura berman said in the piece, the swept away fantasy is common, but it's going beyond that into actual violence against women." That's right. You are not misunderstanding. Dr. Drew, although beating around the bush a bit, says that BDSM equates to violence against women. He goes on to say that there is a lot of violence against children as well and that people who are abused as children can become aroused by these images.


Think I'm reading too much into his comments? Dr. Levkoff doesn't think so. She wrote a blog post herself over the weekend saying how blindsided she was by what was said by Dr. Drew saying, " What should have been a segment on women's fantasies and why they are an essential part of our lives...segued into a larger (and more inappropriate) discussion on violence against women." To read the entire blog post click here.  


The bottom line, and the reason I decided to write this post was because I am quite frankly ashamed of Dr. Drew Pinske. He openly admitted to having not read the books, which in and of itself makes him lose credibility. However, dismissing an entire subculture is beyond disgraceful. Whether you are one of the many who have bought the Fifty Shades Trilogy or not, you should be offended by this man's comments. I know I for one will never look at  him the same way again when he's brought on a show as an "expert".